The decision to take action is never an easy one when it comes to family situations. I have allowed a family member of my ex-husband to belittle me and vilify me in front of my children long enough with no results when he has taken actions to stop it.
I trust that he has tried to address the situation with the family member on several occasions. This person just has no filter when it comes to their hate for me. Unfortunately they cannot understand that the hate that spews in my direction only goes straight through the boys first. As much as this person would like for it to be not true; they are 50% my children.
Hating their mother is hating a piece of them. A huge part of them. I think that is part of the issue, when people see them and hear them, it is hard to not see and hear me.
Last night I lost my ever-lovin’-mind when I heard what I heard. I called my ex-husband and screamed at him for a good five minutes. I screamed at my boys…
Ya, that’s going to help…not.
As I calmed down I told them I was hurt by those words and that they should never have to have my back when they are with their dad. They should be kids. They know this person is wrong, they know it’s inappropriate for them to be bombarded with the hate aimed at me.
They also know they are just kids.
And she is their grandmother.
I have prayed for so long for this woman. I have prayed for my own heart to soften towards her whenever I feel the hate rise. If she died tomorrow, I would be sad for my boys…and so happy that she is out of their lives.
That is how much hurt lies between us.
I have killed her with kindness at every turn. She cannot even look me in the eye. If she sees the boys and I out and about, she will do her best to not be seen. If they happen to see her before she can slip away; she cannot even greet me.
How much self loathing must she have to be so filled with such vileness. Can she not make eye contact because she is scared of what she will see? Will she catch a glimpse of the compassion I have for her? Will she see that I don’t truly hate her; that her opinion of me doesn’t matter? Will she catch a glimpse of the boys so in love with their mom that it is palpable wherever we go? What does she get out of hating so furiously?
I don’t know…I just know that when her arrows are shot at me, they hurt and I lash out. I feel the need to defend myself…fight or flight. My brain knows this solves nothing and only adds to the stress my children feel.
So where is the balance?
Today I sent a proposal off to our parenting time expeditor (ordered by the courts as we have 50/50 custody and can rarely agree on anything). I am proposing that all of her time with the boys be supervised.
I made it clear to the boys last night I don’t want to take her out of their life, only put a stop to them being in the middle.
I ask for grace for my behaviour last night. It was less than stellar. My passion for these boys and their wellbeing is my priority. Remind me that hurt people, hurt people…and I don’t want to be one of them.
As my ex-husband and the expeditor read over my proposal today, soften their hearts to hear only my true concerns.
Jesus, be with this woman. I know life has not been easy on her and her ways are learned. Help her to be the grandmother my children need and desire in their life.
Help me continue to be gracious and fill me with mercy towards her.
I know Your plan includes lessons from this, help me see past the immediate nature of this and live in Your light.