One of the greatest gifts cancer gave me was the ability to know my limits physically. I also learned better how to set social and emotional boundaries. I am able to not accept more than I can handle and I do not feel guilty when I have to decline.
I am going through a terribly painful period in my life right now and the enemy’s message is strong and loud.
The depth of my anger is deeper than I have experienced in some time. I remember when my daughter was younger and in counseling when she was taught that anger is just the bodyguard to sadness.
The only problem with what is causing the sadness it that it is not a person, it is a process. It is “the system” that has got me so worked up that I am falling apart at the seams. No, not falling apart…no matter what I seem to always be able to make things look like I have it all together.
Instead of the seams falling apart as old clothes do, it is more like I am wearing something three sizes too small. My body is smaller than all the emotions trying to work their way out and I am doing everything in my power to keep them all in.
Well, let me tell you, nothing in the whole world of shape wear has the ability to make this look good on me. I am short tempered, I am not eating properly, I am taking it out on people when in reality there are no people to take it out on, only the need to wait patiently as the system does the work for me.
While the system works, I have to make some changes to allow myself the reprieve I need to get the enemy out of my head. As the enemy knows which people and situations can be used to best keep me off my game, I feel the need to remove myself from many people for the time being. I also need to remove myself from some obligations that include those people.
I have to find a way to allow the anger to become the hurt that it truly is.
I know my kids better than anybody every will and I work hard to meet their needs on an individual basis. The one thing having my daughter nine years before I started parenting the boys taught me, it was that this is definitely not a one-size-fits-all gig and I think I do it pretty well.
So as I process the anger and, eventually, let the hurt show I will protect myself from any further hurt as well as any attacks on my character and parenting.
I am praying that the changes are being called for by God…and not the enemy telling me the apple is a good idea…
I am so thankful for all the iron sharpens iron reminders in my life. I am using these opportunities as best as I can to grow and change for the better.
When I fail, as I have several times this week Lord, I am confident in your love for me that never ends. That love helps me to keep going.
Protect my children as this next chapter continues to shape who each of us are.