Day Two

Today is day two of my commitment to remain pain free through NSAID’s. I even added them to my pill box today…I guess that makes it official.

I am seriously grieving this step. It is truly a loss of a freedom I did not even know I had until it was gone. The freedom to play aggressively with my son on the ice with the biggest worry being falling…gone forever.

I used to be able to teach kids how to fall down and get back up off the ice…that is the first and most important lesson for new skaters. Now I can hardly get up off the ice myself, never mind doing it slowly and intentionally as it needs to be done for small children.

I can no longer take a knee with my players as I explain a drill or have a chat…that hurts so much. Getting on their level is crucial in gaining trust and a rapport with these youngest of hockey players.

Yes, I am grieving.

It is a grief so raw and I fear that people just will not understand the magnitude of it.

I am still firmly in the denial stage…so there is that. I just know I cannot stay here long. I know my days of being aggressively fun with my son on the ice are gone. I know that the peace brought my skating will have to be replaced…and my heart aches. I have lost a true battle buddy when it came to cancer. Hockey never left my side, my skates were always just by the door, sharp and ready to go.

Now, I can barely stand on the ice…

Dear God,

When I was diagnosed with cancer I never once asked, “Why me?” and just got through it. I am sure you are working on something really big right now, please forgive my pouting…I know it is not suffering well…

Thank you for bringing hockey into my life at the exact right time to get me through the toughest of tough situations at that time. I am beyond grateful for the children and their parents for allowing me to be on the ice with them.

Comfort my heart, Lord. Only you know how bad it is hurting. Only you see the tears.

Help me find my feet again…help me realize that there are other ways to find that happy place that will replace the hockey.

Thank you for the players and parents and other coaches who covered for me when I was not 100% and thank you for the players who still need me at this lower level of ability.

I can’t do any of this without you.

Amen

I am sure to some this may be trivial, and that is their perception. For me it is a devastating blow. It feels like somebody stole my birthday.

Today I am pouting…grieving…even crying; and that is okay. It needs to be done.

Dear parents of the kids I coach,

Yes, I know I’m far from a great hockey player or skater…but I love being with your kids. I love being on the ice with them and I am thankful that you have allowed that for three seasons.

You and your children have given me more pleasure than I could ever thank you for.

Thank you,

Coach Deb

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