I went to the walk in clinic yesterday to have my mass checked out and am so thankful to report that it is merely a ventral hernia. Apparently they are common after any type of abdominal surgery, even though it is not near my surgical site.
Somebody asked me last night about details and I said I had no idea. For once, I just could not get out of there fast enough. The doctor was great. She could see that I was obviously a mess and reassured me and even put her hand on my shoulder and comforted me.
I was numb.
I had spent all weekend convincing everybody, including myself that it was only a hernia while sure it was a liver metastasis. I was certain death was knocking on my door…and it had a key.
I guess that is the truth…even though death may come knocking again; essentially, it has its’ own key and can waltz right on in at anytime. With cancer though, chances are that I get to at least look it in the eye and fight it off for another day.
On Facebook I posted, “Who knew a hernia would be such good news?” On a chemo support page I belong to (we all have breast cancer and went through chemo in winter 2014) the relief was palpable. One lady commented that she almost had a heart attack for me.
Today, it is sinking in that everything is relative. Four years ago, a hernia could have been devastating news to me. Today, it is a gift, today those are the best words I could ever imagine.
Two friends actually acknowledged that yesterday that it sucks that a hernia is considered good news.
Ya, it really does.
God and I had a few (ok, more than a few) conversations over the weekend. Mostly me begging for it to not be cancer metastasis, a little bit of thanks for getting me this far, and believing that whatever it was, that His timing was perfect.
If I did not believe that with my whole heart, then I would be so lost.
I emailed my pastor this morning and said that while I am not ready to die, I also am aware that I have no say in the matter of timing. I told him that I believe that although this scare caused a few days of worry and strife, I would have come to the conclusion eventually that God’s timing is perfect every time.
I am not sure if every scare will be this way or if a metastasis is just going to show up one day and smack me in the head. Either way…it is what it is and I am thankful I am not the one who knows how this all plays out.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Your love and mercy and grace continue to overwhelm me at every turn. Thank you for knowing all the details in advance and for giving me the tools and the army to get over each perceived hurdle.
Comfort my family and friends who may not know how to express their anxiety or worry with this entire process. It is becoming more clear to me that it really is going to be a life long process and we all need You to get us through it in one semi-sane piece.
The peace I find in your all-knowing love comforts me.
I am so blessed to know You as I do.
Keep watch over those who are suffering this holiday season and those who are just hearing their diagnosis for the first time. Bring them your comfort and peace, show them your love. May they see the blessings in this battle…