Being Selfish

Thursday morning started just as every morning does…rolling over a hundred times thinking about just how many more minutes I can put off getting out of bed without being late for work. The boys are not home this week and I am no longer babysitting in the mornings so sleeping in is my new hobby.

When I finally stretched and ran my hands down my torso before admitting to myself that the coffee was not going t make itself I realized two very important things:

  1. I need to start setting the timer on the coffee pot when the boys aren’t home.
  2. Denial can truly convince you that what you see and feel is not there.

Just under my ribcage, midline, I felt a mass.

As I am palpating this mass I am convinced it is not even there. Honestly. My fingers were looking for defined edges as my brain was shouting, “IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD!” then, “STOP TOUCHING IT AND IT WILL NOT BE THERE!”

Like a two year old with a booger, I examined it from every possible angle, felt it with my fingers, tried to squish it, rolled it around a bit. I am certain that if eating it would have made it not be there anymore, I would have.

Ya, it’s there. It is about the size of an egg. It is not painful. It is not reducible. It scares me.

I called my mom on Friday and told her about it. I am going to have it checked Monday morning, it was too late on Friday by the time I convinced myself that there was something there to check out and my local doctor would not think I was just being a cancer-hypocondriac. As I am yelling in my best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice, “It’s not a tumor!”

I agreed with my mom that unless and until a doctor tells me otherwise, I was considering it a hernia for the weekend…and off to hockey practice I went.

Saturday was a little tougher to convince myself so I shared it with others…telling them that until a doctor looks at it, in my mind it is a hernia.

In my heart of hearts, I am so afraid. I am just over two years from diagnosis. I am two weeks shy of being eight months cancer free.

I am not ready to fight this fight again. I just am not. Not that it means anything for me to not be ready…I just wanted to make that clear.

I wrote this morning on my contact card in church:

…HOLY SHIT, what if not being able to coach Mites this year was God’s way of showing me that he’ll be okay with me watching from the bench. That he’ll do okay with me watching from heaven? CAN I WATCH FROM HEAVEN…do I even get to see???…

Ya, I said HOLY SHIT…it was warranted this time.

Yes, I realize that I am ten steps ahead of myself right now. If you had knocked on death’s door before you might also find yourself looking through the peephole every time the doorbell rings as well.

Tomorrow I am going to the doctor at 0800h. I will get an exam and an ultrasound.

I will let you know.

Lord,

I feel so selfish and wrong for begging for this to be something benign. If it is something that will be used to glorify your name, I would not deny you even if I could.

Today I will work on finding peace with the process. Staying grounded in the here and now. Not trying to figure out what goes on from here on out. We are not guaranteed another minute, ever so we should just be thankful for each breath we take.

I am scared to fight this again and feeling this makes it seem more of a real possibility after spending months convincing myself I am going to be the case than remains cancer free forever.

Help me remain calm, be with my family and friends as they face this fear with me. I trust You.

Amen

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