The Trauma

When I was sick I napped a lot. I understood my body was fighting a war that I could not engage in if I was pushing it to do other things such as working.

This last week I have begun seriously writing my book. I have started it a couple dozen times with no real drive. In just over a week I am three chapters in and going strong.

Unfortunately the emotional trauma that comes with reliving my battle on paper is beyond exhausting. My first chapter triggered an episode of post traumatic stress. They forget to talk about that when you are going through cancer treatment; that the fight does not end when the last dose of chemotherapy goes in.

I was a mess for three days after writing about the thirty minutes witch changed my life, and the lives of those around me in a way that I could have never expected. It only took about fifteen minutes to write, a little bit of editing…and then the storm hit.

I was sitting in my living room watching the boys play Call of Duty or some similar game on their xbox and started bawling.

“I almost died.” was all I could think about.

I have been told to be thankful that things went as wonderfully as they did for me, and I am truly thankful and forever will think of our life as blessed beyond all comprehension.

That does not change the fact that I was so close to death that I was willing myself to breath.

For me, as a survivor, the difficulty is that I am no longer outwardly sick so people assume things are going great. Yes, I am grateful. Yes, I am honored that people want to genuinely hear my story.

I still almost died.

I see my boys, my daughter, my grand-daughter…and and am so beyond thankful that I am still here.

Today I wrote for about two hours on my book then needed a nap. I slept for three hours. The middle of a snow day, no work and the boys at their dad’s…I curled up on the couch and slept. Like a rock.

I am determined to continue writing, despite the turmoil. The writing is healing, it is healthy.

I just have to reprioritize as I go about it. Let go of a few of my current obligations and allow myself the time to not only write, but to also recover.

This is my marathon.



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