Suffering Well

Or not…

I’m definitely on the or not side today.

Here is the update I sent out as a mass text to a few select people today and then posted it to my personal Facebook page tonight.

The extra knee pain in the right knee has been determined to be a Baker’s cyst which has ruptured but is again growing. This is caused by what is an injured (but not likely torn) MCL…related to my broken ankle in May.
I’m in a knee brace for 4 – 6 weeks…she was just going to put it in a sleeve but after our short conversation realized I am fairly active and may or may not be the most compliant patient. Although she prefers I stay off the ice, she’s not holding her breath. I promised one more week…and then I’ll re-evaluate.
As this is my final year on the ice with the kids my heart is so broken. I don’t want to need surgery or do permanent damage…and I’ve already had to miss so much, I’m struggling with suffering well.

1 Peter 4:19
“So if you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, keep on doing what is right, and trust your lives to the God who created you, for he will never fail you.”

My issue is that I am far from suffering in a manner that would please God today. I am pouting…REALLY pouting. I want to scream and cry and stomp (but that would hurt even more than walking).

I have been trudging through this pain for more than a month and writing it off as simple joint pain related to medications. Now, after learning that it truly is an injury that needs to heal I no longer have the need to tough it out. It should be healed just as I allowed my body to heal when I had cancer. So why do I feel like such a wimp now?

Damnit…I played DODGE BALL on Saturday…darn skippy it hurts more this week, even if I did baby it and stay off the ice last week.

So now; six weeks. Oh my aching heart hurts so deeply that this pretty much ends my hockey season. My final season on the ice with my son, and I am out of the game. Six weeks takes me to the end of November. After babying it for that long, even if it heals without further complications I am going to require physical therapy the strengthen it back up…by then the house teams are pretty much finished playing and we are on to travel league…I cannot jump in as a coach at that time.

So my heart hurts tonight when I put all those pieces together.

I have no idea what God’s plan for this next leg of my journey…haha…leg…damnit

I do not want to be off the ice. Hockey is my happy place.

Great…God is telling me I need another “Happy Place” now. Ya but…

Ya, but…

Then, I get an email from the Captain of our Creation Station Teaching Team:

Captain:Hey guys, we have Creation Station November 6th. The series is “like a child” and the message is “Wonder”. Having wonder in how amazing God is. How fascinating He is, etc. If you could be thinking of some cool ideas on how to teach this that would be cool.

ME: Or wonder how God answers prayers (by using us and those around us)
Captain: very nice.
Me:Because tonight…I’m wondering…and it sucks. I can’t imagine trying to figure it out as a child
Captain: ahhh gotchya….I am feeling another testimony/story coming from Debbie!
Me: This knee thing is truly beating me up
 Team Member CM: I think that would be a good subject for Debbie to cover. 😉
 Me: Definitely not testimony worthy…but I’m confident it maybe one in the making
 Captain: Yep..
Me: I don’t want to take over this team.
Captain: I like your ideas and I liked what you did last time. You are a natural leader. Its gonna happen.
Me: There is so much to wonder about…and I’m not sure my story resonates with the age range
 Then I would likely focus more on LOOKING for God…Looking for others whom they can help…even though they are only children.
Like that song…the youngest boy asked me to explain this morning on the way to school…”If we are the Father, why are aren’t His arms reaching…”
How can they show others God’s love…how can they BE light
But I think the older kids need some hard truths as well…how some times…like tonight, just because it’s right does not make it easy AT ALL and they need to be aware of it and be prepared to fight the enemies messages during these times…
Tonight, I am just tired and weary…
Matthew 11: 28 – 30 
28Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
Tonight, I am working so hard at turning this burden over to God and those who love me. It is a constant struggle, reminding myself every minute to give it over. It is exhausting, I will not lie.

My orders are rest, brace on when mobile, ice, more rest, and NO SKATING.

Four to six weeks. WEEKS…ya, I promised her one and told her I would reevaluate. As tough and ornery as I think I am though, y’all know I have no intention of not being compliant. I can choose though to be compliant and make this a positive thing…I can be non-compliant and potentially do permanent damage…I can be compliant and be miserable.

While I am working on asking for what I need, I am first working on not being miserable. This has proven to be easier said than done.
I am snapping at the boys, I do not want to go to work tomorrow, I want to quit fighting every step of the way for every inch of ground we have gained.
While I have every option to quit…where would that get me? My kids? Those who are watching me when I do not even know it?

Well, now YOU know…and I know you know.

Tonight I am miserable and sad and angry. Tonight I want my Mommy and my Baby Sister.

Dear God,
Good one…wow. You sure know how to get a girl’s attention, don’t you? Well played. I have no idea if I was missing something or there is something else I should be doing…just know that I will keep going where you lead me. I will follow where my path goes.
Thy will be done…not my will…yours.
Lord, can you tell people who think I make this look easy that I’m sorry…this isn’t easy. If they could see the words and anger in my brain…and the internal struggle…and watch me try to get up from the couch and either need assistance or look like a…like a…I don’t even know how to describe it…a drunk walrus? I dunno…but easy…nope. It’s killing me. Ok, maybe killing is a bit extreme…challenging? Ugh…why did…never mind God, I was gonna ask why my Mama raised such a strong willed kid…but You made me, You already knew…HAHA…my poor Mother…good one God.
Anyway God, I’m trying. I’m trying to suffer in a manner that pleases you…help others see that that is my only goal…to suffer well for you, not for them, definitely not for me.
Lead me…lead me.
Amen
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