In my old life, I had quite the temper. I will not lie, I could get riled up quite fast. I can still get riled up, but it takes a significant strain to set me off.
I learned to use mindfulness as a tool to determine the source of my feelings and dig deep to find the actual root feeling that is leading to the anger. This has been very difficult to change from a hot reaction to stopping and figuring out the actual issue before exploding.
I still explode…ask the boys. There are times when Mom has had enough, and they know it. Just not nearly as often nor as severely.
Yesterday when my anger and frustration threatened to overcome me, I reached out. This STILL sucks for me. I’m so glad I have the gentle hands of those around me reaching out to me at all times and that they acknowledge just how difficult it is for me to reach out when I am in that place. It is not a nice place.
I sent an email to five people. Two of them responded almost immediately and with the thoughts and ideas my brain could not cool down long enough to hear inside my own head. What could have ended in a terrible day, became a little bit productive.
Today, I allowed my body and brain the time to rest in the morning and then mid afternoon I got to work on the project with a deadline only a few weeks away; that is correct, I am not waiting until last-minute this time.
The trouble with all this emotional digging is that it is even more exhausting than physical digging. It is difficult to remember to use the cool, calm approach when every fibre of my being is shouting from the rooftops that SOMEBODY is gonna get beat…
As with being a child of God, it is a very intentional journey that takes practice every minute of every day. To choose to follow Christ and love others as we are loved, and to forgive freely is tough work. If you doubt this, think about the most annoying co-worker/family member/acquaintance and decide to think nothing but positive thoughts about the for the next 72 hours…go ahead…try. Every time they enter your mind, pray for them, for their salvation, for restoration. Write down your feelings, thoughts and observations regarding your own mindset.
So today, I took time to curl up in the ball I needed to be for a short while. I did some menial tasks that at least made it look like I have been productive and texted with friends. I also re-wrote a blog post for this blog plus another one I have started to write on which is not yet public. Then I got to work on my project. It wasn’t a lot of work, just had to look up a few pieces of information I was not sure about. Finally, I’m writing this.
It is how I understand myself, my world, my thought process; by writing it out. I stay accountable to myself knowing I am sharing it with you.