Last night our local House of Prayer had a guest worship team from What’s Next Ministries. The experience had me in tears. I will forever be grateful for the experience I felt last night.

The worship leader encouraged everybody to open their hearts for God to give them a word and to meditate and pray on that word, asking for help in deciding if that word was meant for us or for somebody else…

I was in a bad mood and my mind was running a hundred miles an hour…there was no way I could even think of slowing it down or quieting it enough to hear even a clap of thunder…you know, the loud ones when the lightning is real close…

I had been trying to quiet my brain for over an hour at this time…reaching for God to hear His word. I opened my Bible app and appropriately the Book of James.

As I read through the first chapter, it was like I had never read it before and it was comforting. As I read it the second time, it began to ring some bells. Not only had I read and meditated on this verse before, I had even written about it.

James 1: 2 – 5

Dear brothers and sisters, when trouble of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

This latest trouble is definitely worthy of so much joy. I am hopeful that it is the final hurdle of its’ kind. I am ready…

So today, as I am writing this a song comes on my heart…

Dustin Kensrue – REJOICE

Come and stand before your Maker
Full of wonder, full of fear
Come behold His power and glory
Yet with confidence draw near

For the one who holds the heavens
And commands the stars above
Is the God who bends to bless us
With an unrelenting love

Rejoice, come and lift your hands and
Raise your voice, He is worthy of our praise
Rejoice, sing of mercies of your King
And with trembling, rejoice

We are children of the promise
The beloved of the Lord
Won with everlasting kindness
Bought with sacrificial blood

Bringing reconciliation
To a world that longs to know
The affections of a Father
Who will never let them go

Rejoice, come and lift your hands and
Raise your voice, He is worthy of our praise
Rejoice, sing of mercies of your King
And with trembling, rejoice

All our sickness, all our sorrows
Jesus carried up the hill
He has walked this path before us
He is walking with us still

Turning tragedy to triumph
Turning agony to praise
There is blessing in the battle
So take heart and stand amazed

Rejoice, when you cry to Him He hears
Your voice, He will wipe away your tears
Rejoice, in the midst of suffering
He will help you sing

Rejoice, come and lift your hands and
Raise your voice, He is worthy of our praise
Rejoice, sing of mercies of your King
And with trembling rejoice

© Universal Music Publishing Group

I digress…

Sitting there in the worship area I begged for peace…for understanding. I heard a word…I don’t even remember what it was now…but I thought to myself…no, I thought that word, it wasn’t given to me…shut up now and listen…damnit listen…shhhh SSSSHHHHH


As the word came, the worship leader was talking of taking our burden to the alter of the Lord and leaving it there…it’s not ours to hold, give it to God…LEAVE IT THERE…

…and that’s when the tears started.

I had to trust God…why is this so hard?

His plan is perfect, He loves me completely and perfectly. Why do I continue to believe I can do this one on my own?

I cried…bawled like a sissy girl as my youngest would say. I felt the fight inside me to let this one go…to lay it down. The struggle was physical and real and exhausting. As I picture it in my head today I could feel myself peeling little pieces off and laying them down and knowing that it had to be all or nothing…ALL. Or. Nothing.

Unfortunately I was not able to lay this burden down, but now I know and understand the impact it has had on my life and am making a very real effort to leave it at the alter of the Lord…to give it all to Him.

This is not going to happen over night. I know for some people it might happen that way and life is all rainbows and Skittles…

Although the desire was there, and it was oh so very strong…the enemy was stronger on this one. The enemy is a mighty foe and will be defeated, I am confident of that. I will continue to lay this burden down, even if it sticks to my shoe as I walk away.

I’m not finished this fight…not even close and I’m certainly not giving up. I did not just spend two years fight for my earthly body to live just to give my time to the enemy. I am much better than that.


I have watched my children suffer and have had to stand by and only give them love when the desire and urge to fix what was broken made my physically hurt. I imagine that was much like what your went through last night.

I know you were there, I could feel your hands on my package to lay down, I could feel you easing it out of my hands gently. Honestly, I felt like a petulant child…giving you a tiny piece and grabbing the rest back.

What a battle, huh?

Thank You for not giving up on me until you could see I could take no more. You love me so perfectly, convicting, reassuring, gentle, firm…

I know Your love never waivers and I hope my children know that love You have for them as a perfect parent…and that my love for them may not be perfect, but it is everything I have to offer them.

You are my strength and my refuge



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