When I am Weak

Everybody has a weakness of some sort. Their own Achilles Heel…I have several.

When I am struggling with a weakness my plan of attack has always been isolation. It was easier to avoid the temptation, my Kryptonite.

That has to change. It has to change because if others do not know what my Kryptonite is, how can they save me from it? How can they protect me when I cannot protect myself?

Over the last few years I have learned to set boundaries with people who have the same weakness as I have. I limit my exposure to them and although they are great people, we just cannot be friends.

It is easier now but used to be so difficult to see a friend struggling and not offer myself as support. Now, I know my limits, my boundaries. I also know that I cannot take on their stress, they need to figure out their own things as they go through a challenging time.

I have learned that I need to not expend my energy on others when they are not putting forth their own first.

I have also learned to reach out instead of closing down when I am struggling. I try to reach out to people whom are at a different place in their faith journey than I am. To lean only on people who are at the same place as I am would be like an addict calling an alcoholic to talk them out of taking a hit. In most cases they would both end up using and nobody wins.

The close friends I have now have all been cultivated over the last three years; most of them since being diagnosed with cancer or just before. There are very few people deep within my inner circle and I like it that way. I think I only have three of the same friends now as I had before the divorce and cancer. THREE

After being betrayed by everybody around me during my divorce, I prefer to keep my social circle small. I am too open, too honest, too real to give that to just anybody.

So if you have been in my apartment when it looks like a tornado went through after a bomb went off, if I have cooked for you, if I have called or texted you to vent or ever cried while talking with you…you are a part of a very small group and I am HONORED to let you in. You are my best friends, my confidantes, my lower 48 family. I may not always act like it, but you mean the world to me.

People need to be held accountable and I am always leery of finding an accountability partner based on past experiences. I also feel bad asking others who have busy lives to help me with mine. You all have spouses, children, jobs, and other commitments. I feel as though I should be able to do this on my own…I don’t even have the kids every week, I’m not working. I have a ton of time to figure this out for myself, I’m a smart woman.

The time has come though to make the commitment to another person and to myself to have that partner. To have somebody that knows the whole story, everytime. Somebody who will ask the hard questions and give the hard answers. Somebody who can and will love me when I cannot love myself.

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