Whenever I have to make tough decisions, I stomp around (inside my head) like that Willy Wonka kid (Veruca?) and scream and pout and cry. I text my pastor and when he calls me out on things the conversation inevitably ends with me sending him a “This Sucks” text.
Last night I began making some horrifically difficult changes. Yup, that hard. The decision was so hard that it made me physically ill. Being honest with myself when it comes to my thoughts and feelings is not near as easy as people think I make it look.
I know me. I know my ways. I have learned things through the lessons God has placed in my path throughout the previous 42 years. I have never been one to learn things the easy way. Those lessons don’t usually stick.
I am placing a fence around myself. It is not a wall, it is a fence, with a gate. I am not shutting everybody out, only those who have hurt me to the point that I will not allow them to hurt me again.
Words of apology and remorse, while not meaningless, do not hold much weight with me. Actions will always speak louder than words, every single day of the week.
Trust has been broken. Not even just broken, it has been shattered. As a clean sheet of paper can never be completely unwrinkled, trust can never be fully regained.
Damn…some times I truly hate when I write.
So…although the same sheet of paper can never be made new, it does not mean that the piece of paper cannot be completely shredded then made into a new sheet of even awesomer (yes, that’s a word) paper. You know…like the craft store paper they sell for $4.00/sheet. Add a few distinct colors, decorations and voila…designer paper.
Here I was thinking I was so very right this time; that what has been broken cannot be repaired. What if I stop wanting to repair it. What if I want to absolutely shatter everything that it was (or that I thought it was) and make it even better?
Nope…I hear nope, nope, nope in my head…not my circus, not my monkeys…
Yup…time for more prayer, more time, and more writing (even when it sucks).
This one is on you…I’m giving it all to you. You know my heart, you know my struggles, you know my needs better than I do. I give this all to you as I focus on me. I’m going to be selfish Lord…I’m all in for me and me alone.
Give me the wisdom and discernment to figure this one out. Show me in ways that are unmistakably You. I don’t want to do this Lord…not even a little bit; I will do as You call me to do though. For You alone I will suffer and rage and hurt and stand in front of the train.
You know me…I’m just here to do as I’m told, even when I hate hate hate hate hate it.
Clear my path, protect those whom I love from the coming storm. I’ll grab my own umbrella….this sucks.