Mama said there would be days like this.
She also said that there is always somebody worse off.
She also said that no matter what, I am loved.
My Mom is a pretty smart woman.
I only have one chemo infusion left. This is it. I will be done. While I should be jumping for joy, today I am in tears. My infusions cause me great physical pain. I have pain medications and they take the edge off. That is all they do. When I take the pain medication I can get out of bed, I can walk to the bathroom and the kitchen, I can move. Barely.
It is a terribly crippling few days every three weeks and it gets worse each cycle. The pain comes sooner, lasts longer, and hurts even more than the previous cycle.
I have to do this one more time. One.More.Time.
I won’t lie; thinking about my final infusion on April 22 brings me to tears today. Not only will it mark the end of infusions, it means that three days later I will be crippled with a pain that is even worse than what I am dealing with today. So while I am happy to have completed this leg of my journey, the consequences are tremendous.
The emotional toll on top of the physical side effects are devastating.
As I focus on getting through today (the pain started at about 11pm last night so will peak sometime tomorrow and then begin to taper on Saturday) I lean on scripture.
1 Peter 4: 19 (NLT)
19 So if you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, keep on doing what is right, and trust your lives to the God who created you, for he will never fail you.
Although the scripture was referring to suffering for being a Christian, I can’t help but relate it to my circumstances because it reminds me that He will never fail me.
HE WILL NEVER FAIL ME
Am I suffering in a manner which pleases Him though? While I’m no where near perfect, I DO TRUST MY LIFE TO HIM. I trust that no matter what each day brings, it is for His eternal glory.
Matthew 11:28 – 30
28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
Thank you God. Thank You for being so humble and gentle.
How can I think I am suffering when I am surrounded by those who continually share my burden. People take up my load and carry it on their backs in many ways.
This last three weeks since my surgery they have lightened my load by providing meals, help with cleaning, rides, laundry service, lunch dates, visits, texts, notes, and cards.
To you, it may not seem like much. To me, it is what allows me to have the strength and drive to carry on. When I am weak, I know that God will send His people to hold me up. When I am strong, He will give me tasks to serve others.
Today, I am weak. I ask you to share my burden today. My heart is weary. My need for today is prayer.
1 Corinthians 13: 1 – 3
13 If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;[a] but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.
Love God. Love People. Period.