Today my heart is heavy. I am dreading the recovery from this surgery. I know that it will eventually pass and life will speed back up again. I’m sad to be leaving my boys for cancer’s sake yet again.
My heart aches watching these boys try to be little men. Carson is having a tough week. Last night we had a heart to heart at bedtime about what he needs for contact while I am gone and when I get back.
He needs a Skype when I am done my surgery and a phone call or Skype everyday until he can see me again. He needs to come and spend the weekend with me even if I can’t do anything.
It’s okay Mom, I can just eat ravioli and cereal and chicken balls and. Can you make sure we have that before I come over? Am I old enough to cook bacon?
Then I can get you drinks and plug your phone in for you.
Yup, kiddo…I’ll stock up and keep you in the loop. As soon as I am able, you can come home baby. I promise.
This sucks Mom
I know Kiddo. It sucks for Mom too. What part sucks for you?
Well, you have to have surgery again, and you already did chemo, and radiation. It’s not fair that we have to stay at dad’s and not see you. You should get time too. Dorothy should just fuck off already. *glances up to see if he’s in trouble for swearing*
I know Hun, she’s almost gone. It isn’t fair that I have to be gone for Dorothy again. This is part of it though and we will still have Skype and phone calls. Dad said if you guys are in town he will let you stop and visit.
Shortly after that exchange my little man fell asleep in my arms, curled up in a tiny ball beside me on the couch. Just an hour earlier he was a fierce, arguing mighty warrior of a hockey player…now he was my baby boy. He had a good angry session and a heart breaking cry that all I could do was hold him.
Just before he finally opened up I asked him if I could pray for him. I prayed out loud that God would continue to bring us comfort. I prayed that even when we are scared and when our feelings get too big for our bodies that we remember that we love each other and try to use kind words.
Tonight Kevin returns from his field trip to St Paul. I’m hoping we can fill each others buckets as we get ready for Sunday.
28 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. (NLT)
I trust this more than I could ever put into words.
Hug my kids, let them be kids, tell them they can call you…you might be the person they need.
Pray for us all. It’s going to be a long few weeks for us all.
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