I had an epiphany – type moment on Wednesday. I was at work and talking with a substitute teacher who turned out to be a Pastor between calls.
I explained that I am working on reconciling why I worry when we are called to not worry. I have been having difficulty understanding why I have moments of worry when God has clearly provided for all of our needs so far along the path.
It was then that I began to think that it is not actually worry that I feel; it is a call to action. What if it is my brain’s way of forcing me to take action on a certain issue?
I was worried about how I was going to pay for my trip to Rochester.
I had asked for financial assistance and it was not coming in. We received one financial gift, which I talked about last week; it paid for gas to get to hockey last weekend and to pay my phone bill. The financial consequences of cancer while being a single person without disability coverage is beyond the scope of understanding for most people.
I was trying to decide if cancelling my surgery necessary. I was tired of asking for assistance. I still deal with feelings of embarrassment when I cannot provide for myself and my children.
Having to reach out to people who have their own bills, their own children, and their own needs is the hardest thing I do. Knowing that I have been relying on people for my financial needs for such a long time is difficult.
I struggle with the fact that my biggest battle with cancer is about the money. Maybe I am stronger than I believe. Although it’s easy to think everything would be better with a little extra provision, it has been an extreme lesson in letting go of pride.
Learning that I can not beat cancer inside the little bubble that I have made my world has not been easy. I would much rather continue as I did through most of chemotherapy. I drove myself to and from my infusions then would typically do everything I could to maintain my regular schedule. I don’t think I ever missed a Sunday church service, and trust me, some of those days I was not doing very well. I didn’t hide my battle, I just chose to suffer alone.
I don’t know how or when money became something that was difficult to ask for. People have put money above people for so long in today’s society. I also wish that I could perceive myself as I perceive others who ask.
When I was healthy, if I knew of a need; I did what I could to help fill it. I felt so honored to be able to make somebody’s day even a little easier. I never had a lot of money, but I had time, I had cooking skills, I had passion. When the request of monetary, I had prayer.
Now I am the one in need, and have been for over a year. I fear that when I ask for money, I am seen as greedy or selfish. I used to worry that I was seen as lesser of a person because I needed what others had.
I know that we are all created equal and I am working so hard at putting myself on equal footing with the people around me; not as less than everybody else.
My financial need is great. The stress of being on the verge of having my utilities cut off after using every social service assistance program available, is demeaning…and it shouldn’t be. I again have a cut off notice for our utilities, for our internet connection (I will be disconnecting it when I leave and it won’t be able to be turned back on until current again). To some people the internet is a luxury. It is my only luxury.
I am so looking forward to being able to work full time. My surgeon anticipates at least three months before I can reasonably be on my feet and healed up enough to start working at least part time again.
The chemotherapy treatments plus surgeries and radiation treatments are brutal on a body. The doctors say it can take up to three years after the end of treatments to be up to speed.
Please continue to pray for my healing, my doctors, my children, my family, my community.
Thank you all for the prayers lifted for us.
Instead of worrying I am praying, I am reaching out, I am being vulnerable. God will provide for the least of these…He will definitely provide for me.
Much love and hugs and prayers.