The Turmoil Part

I wonder sometimes if people see what I write, how I carry myself, how I deal with stress and think, “Dang, she’s good at this, I could never be like that.”

I’m here to tell you…it’s not all praise and worship and smiles.

There are times when it is hard to have faith. It is difficult to watch my children with broken hearts and decide to take the high road. It is crippling some days to fight the same battles over and over and over and over and ov…you get my drift.

Today one of my boys had an evening of meltdowns like I hadn’t seen in such a very long time. These used to be every Monday (our transition day for parenting time) and it took time, love, patience, and sacrifice to get to where Monday was not a tragedy anymore.

Tonight it was lie stepping through a time portal back to three years ago. Nothing was right, everything was wrong. There was no ability for him to put feelings into words. He wanted to quit school, break his favorite toy, lash out, and just be angry.

I did take a moment as soon as we got home from school to sit with both boys and pray that God would take us all into His arms as only He can and to bring comfort to hurting hearts and angry brains. I asked for help in filing buckets throughout the week and for guidance as we figure out how our feelings got too big for our bodies – a term we used when the boys were younger and lashing out in anger and hurt. I asked God to help us talk about our feelings and to help us have a good week.

Romans 8:28New Living Translation (NLT)

28 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

It is so difficult to remember this is all part of God’s plan for GOOD when I see my baby boy in turmoil. When I see my young man so filled with frustration. My mama heart aches for my babies to watch them struggle. To do my best to guide them.

To know deep in my heart that their pain will be used for great things doesn’t make it any easier to watch them suffer.

It is even more difficult when I grant myself the time to think of all we have ahead of us still. I won’t see them for nearly a month when I have my surgery yet they will only be 25 miles away. I know they worry about the recovery, they worry about cancer still. I will be out of work (again) until September due to the surgery. Money is going to be tighter than it is even now.

We need prayer. We need love. We need YOU.

Thank you for loving us through these most difficult days.

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