I am not afraid to die. I am so looking forward to spending eternity with no sadness, no illness. I can’t wait to see my four beautiful babies and finally holding them in my arms instead of my heart.
When initially accepting my mortality as only a person who is sick truly can I was so worried about leaving my kids. I didn’t want them to be scared, I didn’t want them to hurt, I didn’t want them to be sad. What if they don’t have a strong enough grasp on Jesus and their faith; what if they became angry with God, what if they lost the community that has surrounded us for the last 14 months?
When God needs me to hear something rarely is He quiet about it. Usually because I’m not listening…but let’s not split hairs.
Just before Christmas, Carson started asking about Heaven. It opened a whole dialogue we hadn’t had the strength to address. We talked about how nobody is ever sick or angry or sad. That our babies and our friends and family who have died before us are there and will welcome us and we will get to be there forever.
I’m 41 and just starting to understand forever; try explaining eternity to an eight year old.
Right after Christmas I started hearing whispers from God. Carson’s questions now made sense. God was telling me that I had to keep up the good work and to continue making the most of every day because my time was coming to an end; I only have 5 – 7 years left.
Of course I blew this off. I was being paranoid, I was being silly. I kept hearing this comforting voice tell me, “5 – 7 years.” I was never fearful, it was just letting me know.
I have only recently shared this with a few friends. One lady asked me if I was sure it was God. I told her that never, in my entire life, felt as if I was going to live a long life. Not once have I ever heard that I would be cured and live a long disease-free life after treatment.
She was shocked and I think a bit upset as if I was giving up. I told her I was not quitting, I was not hopeless, I am not scared. I just feel God telling me that I’m doing a great job and to keep it up because our fight is almost over.
I will fight to the end. I was going to say bitter end; but that’s not true. The end is going to be so beautiful. So beautiful.
I am comforted that Kevin has a grasp on God’s love. When we lost a good friend in April of last year, he looked up at me with eyes that held these enormous tears waiting to fall and said, “Well, at least we got to have her for 26 years longer than we should have.” He then dissolved into my arms.
The strength of a faithful follower, the hurt of a child.
As Carson begins asking questions and moving deeper in faith, he comes to a clearer understanding as well.
My job now is to continue leading them faithfully to Christ.
I don’t have the naive belief that I have forever to teach them to greatness of God. I have a not panicked, yet determined calling to bring my kids to God as soon as possible. To lead them to an understanding that I am not leaving them, I am merely going ahead of them.
Jesus went to prepare a place for us; it’s up to us to get ready to go.
Not unlike going out for a fancy dinner. For the last two Valentine’s Day I’ve had the boys and we have gone to the nicest restaurant in town. We bought nice outfits, talked about table manners, showered, got dressed, brushed our hair…we were ready. To see my boys wearing a tie, and being the gentlemen they are becoming is such a proud moment for this Mama. It took work, it took patience, it took love.
As my love for each of my children grows each day. My daughter is half way through her pregnancy and my grandchild will be loved beyond measure. My hope is that the baby is brought to Christ as well and hears the stories of the grandma who never quit.
As the journey continues take comfort; I’m ready.
I don’t feel in a rush to get things done as some people seem to do. While I know that I will miss some opportunities, I am confident that eternity will fill any perceived void I may have.
I’m starting my bucket list and it actually starts with developing a personal mission statement and future view.
I will continue to live as if I’ll live forever, making the most of each and every opportunity I’m given to share love and hope and grace to those around me.
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