Trying

I’ve been doing everything in my power (which honestly isn’t much) to keep it together lately. The emotional toll of cancer has definitely caught up with me. Not only has it caught up with me, it has run me over.

I’m broken…cancer broke me. I want to swear and rage and scream. Words cannot undo the damage cancer has done and continues to do. Words have already done enough damage, especially lately

A song that I try to keep playing in my head (hoping it sinks in eventually) is Just Be Held by the Casting Crowns.

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

Chorus

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

Chorus

Lift your hands, lift your eyes

In the storm is where you’ll find Me
And where you are, I’ll hold your heart
I’ll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go

Chorus

(Stop holding on and just be held)
Just be held, just be held
Just be held, just be held

Songwriters: HALL, JOHN MARK / WEST, MATTHEW / HERMS, BERNIE
© Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group

Knowing my world is falling in to place is an exciting idea. Allowing it to happen, resigning to everything around me…not even a little bit easy.

Today I’m giving in. I’m no longer holding on. I will finally allow things to be as truly broken as they need to be. I won’t lie: I need to be held more than ever.

I trust God has great things in store, I’m just not very good at allowing Him  time to work. Kind of like my own kids whining when I am making supper. I’m doing everything I can, as fast as I can to do what needs to be done and it is still not fast enough. They are still taking me from my task at hand by their requests, arguments, bad decisions, and whatever else they feel is necessary in the 45 minutes I need to get supper on the table. Instead of 45 minutes, it now takes over an hour.

Now put that in God’s timing. If I had just sat down and allowed Him to finish making supper we would likely already be not only finished eating, but the dishes would be done and we could watch a movie before bedtime.

How much of God’s time and effort are wasted on redirecting me so He can work?

Wow, that is a devastating thought.

I’m so glad that He loves me perfectly. Even more than I love my own kids. I would do anything for my kids, even when they make poor decisions, are in trouble, etc. The only way I can reconcile His love and the effort He puts in getting me from A to B is to compare it to the love I have for my own children.

Well, it’s supper time and my Father is hard at work. Today I am going to let him work in peace.

I am a lucky woman to be so loved.

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