Jumping

I am considering moving my reconstruction surgery up by a few months. My financial situation does not give me the luxury of waiting any longer. I had hoped to wait until after hockey season. I think though it’s time to get it done.

I am working on getting back on my feet physically…and this will only set me right back at square one and the more I think about it the more I think that would be more emotionally debilitating than missing the last little bit of hockey.

It’s going to be a long surgery (time estimates are between 9 – 14 hours). I will spend up to a week in the hospital. I will also not be able to drive for some time. This is where I get lost…

It means I won’t see my boys likely for weeks. I did that last year while they were in Canada. That was different though, they were 1000 miles away when I was having radiation, not 22. Having them so close yet so far is much harder.

I hear God telling me it’s ok, it’s good timing, and things are going according to His plan. I still trust that plan; that doesn’t mean I have to like it, or even enjoy it.

Enjoying something doesn’t usually include four back to back surgeries. Entertainment is rarely found surrounding a nine hour surgery with a week in the hospital to follow.

As I typed that I heard, “It is what you make it, and since when do you not find enjoyment in everything you do.”

Ok…a week in the hospital isn’t bad…I mean they cook, they do the dishes, I don’t have to to laundry…they give me drugs.

I feel as though God is finding ways to push me out of my comfort zone lately. Apparently I’ve become complacent in my growth.

I’ve never been one to just ‘ride the wave’ of anything. I’m always climbing, reaching, learning. Not sure why I thought taking a break between treatment and reconstruction would be better for me than just getting it done as it seems to be holding me back emotionally.

I’ve realized this last few days how focused I’ve been on myself and not on my relationship with God. It’s frustrating to realize you are sometimes your own worst enemy. I have excuses for everything, I just need to stop using them and take the time to get back on my feet.

I need to be pushed, I need to be guided, I need to be encouraged.

I need to pray more.

I also need to be mindful of the answers sent to me. Yes, No, Wait…that’s all I have to listen for…seems pretty easy, does it not?

I am being given the perfect opportunity to finish the physical part of the journey before the end of 2016. Why not jump on that train and get it done sooner rather than later?

God will provide, He has so far. I have to trust that His provision will continue to cover us.

Having such faith isn’t always a walk in the park. Sometimes it takes work to look back and remember that I’ve already gotten through 100% of every negative situation I’ve faced. I have a perfect track record when it comes to making it to the next day. I know there is no way I did that by myself. I’m good; I’m not THAT good.

 

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