Today I am feeling attacked on a personal level…and there is not a person on earth I want to share this with. It’s a terribly isolating feeling.
In the past, I would have just drowned in the frustration. Today I am choosing to give it to God.
I cannot let the negativity envelope me, discourage me.
I have worked so hard throughout the last three or four years to live a better life for God, myself, and my kids. The old messages that were so ingrained in my head over the previous years are so difficult to overcome.
When those messages are even hinted at they overwhelm me. All the work I’ve done, the changing I’ve accomplished, the new person I am becomes invisible. All I see is the broken and beaten person I was. I cannot even see the great things I have accomplished.
I am sitting here, tears pouring down my face. I am trying so hard to put things in perspective. I know I am a child of God. I am confident that He loves me as His own.
That does not necessarily make me a good person or a good mom to my kids.
I’m very sensitive to how other people perceive me (especially as a parent). It takes only a mere suggestion that I am doing something wrong for my thinking to revert to negativity. The mere suggestion from an outsider that I am doing something wrong as a mom, and I immediately believe I am a horrible parent. That message was enforced for many years.
Although many people have tried to tell me I am a great mom, their words are soon forgotten when an argument with a particularly strong willed child becomes public.
I am programmed to believe that every parenting decision I make that is not inline with somebody else is ultimately wrong. This is an ongoing struggle. It is very difficult to reconcile being told I am a wonderful parent with somebody telling me I am parenting them wrong. Unfortunately it can be many people giving me positive feedback and only takes the negative feedback from one person to destroy the confidence I have to continue parenting as I do.
I parent my children 24/7. Even when it is not my parenting time, I have the same expectations of them.
I wonder how heartbroken God must be when He sees a person working to be closer to Him and still be so easily broken down. Obviously He can see the work that is being done, the sacrificial love shown, the dedication it takes to make changes in today’s world.
Thankfully, this ever-growing relationship to be closer with God gives me the comfort I would not have been able to find on my own. After writing a short email addressing the situation, a time of meditation, and prayer I am no longer crying.
I am once again confident in my abilities to parent my children exactly as they need to be based on their individuality. Will I always argue in public with my strong willed child? Likely…at least until he finally understands that the rules are the rules no matter where we are. He’s a fast learner, he just has situations that are new that require new tests.
Will I continue to love my children no matter what the situation? Undoubtedly. Just as God loves me when I cannot love myself. Eventually, they will understand that real love is unconditional. When they embrace that concept, they will always know where they can go for comfort in their times of need; just as I reach to God, they will as well.