Still Learning

One of the hardest things to do is to admit that I don’t truly trust God with my entire being.

I trust him completely with my medical care. I trust that I have the best doctors and that everything that happens is all part of His amazing plan. The fact that I am now facing heart failure of some sort due to the medication is still part of His plan.

So why is it so hard to wait for God to bring a man in to my life? When I was a child, I never questioned that I would save myself for marriage. Our family was not involved with any church, I just knew that I was going to save myself for the man I would spend the rest of my life with.

Just before I turned 18, my first boyfriend took that from me. This turned my decision into a moot point, as far as I could tell. It turned into believing that to get and keep a man, that my only currency was my body.

Finally, a few years ago, I began to understand that there just might be more to me than my body. At that point I needed to do a few things. I needed to stop the relationship I was currently a part of and I needed to decide to not enter into a relationship in that way ever again.

I’ve gotten better, but am no where near perfect to it yet. I get to know somebody and invariably it leads to a physical relationship. I spend the relationship beating myself up, waiting for my partner to fall in love (while not even being in love with them either) but continuing the relationship because I convince myself that it is worth being miserable as opposed to being alone.

Of course every situation ends the same and I am back to square one. I know deep down that I am not happy, yet continue to make the same decisions and date the same type of people.

I want a man who accepts me where I am. While I would love for God to place a man directly in my path, I find myself being impatient and wanting to do the job myself.

I tried dating sites for a short time. When we would get to the conversation about intimacy I would say that I am either not interested or that it would be a very slow moving relationship with the physical aspect not even being on the table to begin with.

Every time, without fail, the men would become defensive and borderline rude. I’ve want to believe I have heard every reason to turn a relationship physical…and each time it just strengthened my resolve to wait the next time.

The more a man tries to convince me that sex is a requirement for a relationship I am convince that the right man is close…and it isn’t them. I think God has begun to ready me for the man I am to spend the rest of my days with.

It’s going to take a unique man, a patient man, a confident man. A man who doesn’t need to prove his masculinity, his pride, his worth. My man already knows his worth, already is confidently masculine.

That same man will see my worth and be willing to wait for me. He won’t have the desire or need to pressure me to do things I am not ready for.

For simplicity, let’s call him #theone…on my next post, I will introduce you to #theone as I envision him.

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