One of the things I love about the Mayo Clinic Health System is the ability to access all my medical files online. I can read the doctors notes from each and every visit, chemo orders and notes from the treatments I had when I was down there in the summer. There is no part of my regimen that I can’t pour over.
Every once in a while I go through some of the notes just looking at the medical end of things. There is so much information that it is understandable that I can miss a few things here and there.
Today, I was brought to my knees. Ironically (or not) this is a great place to be in prayer. One one of my last treatment notes where the doctor enters my diagnosis were written the words Metastatic Breast Cancer. When I looked back, it is written on all my chemo orders from down there.
NO no no no no, this can’t be my file, this must be a mistake…I’m stage three…and although not cured or clear from cancer, I’m definitely not stage four. Nope, not stage four. I’m not.
I can’t be.
I don’t have time for stage four…I made time for stage three…I quit my job so I could still be a mom, I stayed in bed hours and hours each day so I could spend 45 minutes on the ice with Carson and the Mini-mites last year.
I just started working again last week (Carson’s 8th birthday was my first day as a substitute teaching assistant). I love it, the kids I work with are building real relationships and the fact that I am going to be making a paycheck again is HUGE!! Finally, we can have more than barely the bare minimum.
I coach an in-house team plus share coaching of a travel team…I badger one of the other coaches each week that he has to find me an eligible bachelor (I’m still waiting…)
I’ll be calling them tomorrow to ask about this and what it means…for now though, I will pray:
- That God will continue to guide my doctors as we work through this.
- That this latest ‘discovery’ is a typo or a mistake or anything but metastatic breast cancer.
- For understanding to accept whatever it is and to continue moving forward
- To not let this cripple me with fear but for it to bring me renewed drive and strength to carry on.
- That my children still only see cancer as a minor disturbance in our world.
- That this in no way interrupts the hockey season or the bowling year.
- For help deciding how much work is too much (as a substitute I can accept or decline work requests)
- For financial provision as I make the call to work or not to work as is best for my family and my health.
I trust the Lord will see us through this…He’s gotten us this far with peace and love and generous grace.