Fear and Insight

There has got to be a way to make my faith be bigger than my fears. I have a fear of rejection, fear of losing, fear of success, and fear of change.

My fear of rejection is probably the deepest fear I have and it leads to prideful decisions that hurt me in the long run. Instead of asking for the help people offered, I suffered alone through cancer for the most part. I refused to ask for people to help with house cleaning…probably my biggest ongoing need that was not met through it all. I would rather live in a pigsty than ask for help and either not get it, or have people judging me based on the condition of my apartment.

This fear says so much more about me than it ever will about the people I am surrounded by. Would I judge a friend in need who has dishes piled up and laundry to the ceiling? Of course not, I would let them know we are obviously meant to be friends and get to work. Would I look down on a single mother trying to squeeze the most out of every day with her two young boys while living in a one bedroom apartment because the bedroom is so cramped and there are clothes everywhere? No, I would applaud her for making sure that their needs are met and help her to see that time and memories are much more important than material goods and then I’d start looking for a new dresser as the one that the three of them share is obviously not adequate. I would do everything in my power to help organize the space they do have to make it livable and comfortable.

So how do I learn to allow people to love and bless us as we would do for them? How do I reach out with confidence? How do I allow them in to my apartment that looks like a tornado went through it after a bomb went off? How do I accept that help to make our space more livable?

It’s going to be up to me to take the risk. To reach out with vulnerability and hope and accept that some people have the gift of organization and some don’t. I have to trust that because somebody says no, it’s not because they don’t like me, or they are judging me; they could simply be prioritizing and don’t have the time available. I have to not let it be a personal affront and move forward.

I have this deep inner dialogue that continues to tell me that I deserve to live in desperation financially and emotionally; that I do not deserve to be happy or stress free. It tells me I should be in a constant panic about money for gas or clothing or paying the bills. Where this comes from, I’m not sure. I just know that it is there and prevents me from asking for financial help; cripples me into inaction. I just want or maybe even expect somebody else to take care of it all for me. I don’t want to be the helpless victim of cancer and circumstance. I don’t want to be seen as the poor divorced single mother who can’t support her kids. If I can’t support them maybe I shouldn’t have them…that voice is not very loud but apparently it’s there because it is the first thought that popped into my head as I wrote that sentence.

I had no idea my thoughts were so damaged. No idea. Please pray that I can find some inner peace with this that will give me the strength to be vulnerable. That will allow me to reach out and not be crippled with the fear of rejection; instead filled with understanding and love and hope.

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