I Have to Start Somewhere

On the surface I am the picture of strength. I can do anything, I can get through any trial, I can handle it all. That outer strength is my largest demon and my biggest flaw. It fills me with pride that keeps me from asking for and seeking the help I need. It facilitates isolation; it leads to increased depression because I tell myself what a fraud I am.

When people talk of their fears they often start with the fear of failure. Unfortunately I don’t have that one. I have succeeded, at some level, at everything I have ever tried. I’ve done musical instruments, singing, nursing, mechanics, writing, parenting, painting, public speaking, hockey, ringette, diving, fishing…the list could go on forever. It seems like there are very few things I haven’t tried. In fact, I love to learn new things, I enjoy new experiences, I thrive on growth.

I’ve battled demons most of my life and still turned out not too bad. What in the world could paralyze a superstar such as me to the point of giving up? What could I be so afraid of that I would rather do nothing than risk being the best I can be?

Success.

No, unfortunately that is not a typo. My biggest fear has always been success. It seems that no matter what I try, I am pretty good at. It might be that I enjoy learning new skills so love to through myself in the ring when new opportunities arise. Need a speaker, I’m your girl. Need a hockey coach, give me a call, need a life coach, hit me up.

The one dream I have, and it is not just a dream it is a calling; is becoming a writer and public speaker. When I write I receive such positive feedback. I am often asked when the book is coming out (well, now I’m actually writing it so hopefully in the next year or so it will be on the shelves).

The fear that has kept me back all this time has been the fear of success. The more I explore that fear; I am discovering that the fear is not of success at all. It is my pride.

I have never seen anything through to the end to see if I actually am any good at anything. I always bow out while still on the upswing. I have never given myself the opportunity to be successful because of the pride. I hear great I am, how good of a fit I am in whatever function I am doing and that’s it, I’m done. I don’t want to be the best. I want to be in the shadows quietly succeeding at whatever I choose to do.

The world is a cruel place for people at the top in their field. Ask any celebrity how difficult it is to have their life under the microscope all the time. Ask the top scientists how it feels when they make a mistake on a research paper and it changes their entire outcome. They are chewed up by people and then spit out. Politics are no longer run on a platform; it is defending yourself against attack ads and attacking your running mate before he attacks you or harder than they attacked you.

I have skeletons in my closet, many of them. They are happy there. They are comfortable. I’m so far from perfect that I am human. I recently saw a quote (although I don’t know who said it) “I’m not that perfect Christian. I’m the one that knows I need Jesus.” This quote has lain heavy on my heart all week.

I tend to do things the hard way. You could say I’m a little bit stubborn. You COULD…I wouldn’t though. Coming to terms with my pride and its destructive force in my life I feel that exposing myself and opening myself up to criticism is exactly what people need to see and hear.

We don’t need another Joyce Meyers or Rick Warren. I know each of them has their own personal flaws and demons but they are portrayed as perfect to the masses. They speak as authority figures on giving your life to God. The problem is that they come off as not knowing what it’s like to not be there already. They look and act like they have always been one with Him.

I know what it’s like to fight my way to Him. To try to ignore His calling for me only to have my life fall apart because I want to be the one in control. I know how hard it is to come to Him in crisis and ask for mercy and forgiveness (for the nine hundredth time).

A pastor said once that many people fear sharing the Gospel because they don’t feel educated enough. Well, I’m not the best educated either but I can still share what I do know, what works for me, what hasn’t worked, and how I got from there to here.

Now that I have explained how pride shows itself as fear, we can move forward and explore the destructive nature the sin of pride has had in my life.

I pray that you stay tuned.

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